The Dive From the Moon

I remember a time that feels so long ago when I would close my eyes and I’d find myself lost within this Universe. Lost within the moments that are pulled and placed perfectly within my mind creating my own psychological prison. The thoughts are placed precisely where they need to be in order to create childhood trauma, adolescent pain, and adult tragedies. Without the trauma, I would be left with an abundance of positivity but that wasn’t the ultimate goal or wasn’t the ultimate mindset that I was choosing to live with.

I CHOSE MY TRAUMA. I CHOSE MY PAIN. I CHOSE MY TRAGEDIES.

 

 Eventually, I was overwhelmed with the pain. I decided to maneuver through life without over-analyzing each interaction down to an analytical problem because of previous traumas or misunderstandings.

 

The ultimate goal is an ALTERNATE MINDSET.

The hardest thing is WORKING THROUGH past pain. We weren’t created with the idea that moving THROUGH pain would be easy. With a lot of us, it doesn’t even feel doable. It’s complex. It’s Trigonometry. It’s Geology. It will be the most trying challenge of our lives.

I recently had to have a conversation with a guy that I was dating about my background with sex.

RAW, I know, but honestly, I am nothing if not RAW and UNCENSORED.

I had a very rough start with sex. I was molested by multiple men and sexually assaulted by a friend of mine so sex isn’t my favorite form of intimacy. It’s my least, in all actuality.

I was programmed to believe that PHYSICAL SEXUAL INTIMACY was all that there was and I felt trapped. I NEEDED something more. Something different. Something less complicated. Something without PHYSICAL penetration.

Then, I discovered PLATONIC INTIMACY.

Platonic intimacy is defined as the act of making yourself mentally, emotionally, and physically vulnerable to your friends.

Platonic Intimacy was something that was introduced to me naturally as if the Universe knew I was ready for this secret magical interaction that I had NEVER known existed.

About 4 years ago, I meant this woman that I just gravitated to. Her energy was unmatched. She pulled me in and her friendship was everything that I didn’t know I needed at the time.

Being her friend, she taught me the most. She taught me the value of vulnerability. I maneuvered through everyday life before her being guarded out of fear. Fear of rejection. Fear of failing. Fear of abandonment. Never truly being myself. In order to connect with her, all of my walls had to drop and I had to face each and every scar that I simply placed makeup over without allowing any healing. She was there through it all.

The vulnerability was a challenge for me. Allowing emotional, mental, and spiritual penetration was the ultimate challenge for me. However, as each layer pilled back, she was there. She held me when I cried. She wiped my tears. She screamed with me when I needed it. She held me as I fell asleep some nights. She would kiss my forehead and cheer me on through each personal evolution. Y’all know how them healing cries can be. The point remains, she never left.

 

I am proud to say, I am officially that person for all of my friends.

I am the most freely expressive example of platonic intimacy within all of my friendships. Within my experiences with same-sex relationships and opposite-sex relationships, I developed a naturally intimate relationship with my friends without having sex with them at all. I felt it was needed, desired, and completely necessary. The long and intense hugs, forehead kisses, being present, patient, understanding, and giving out cuddles when needed without the complications of sexual intimacy.

I am a Scorpio.

I scream physical intimacy. It’s embedded in everything that is in me. It’s embedded in my energy and my spirit. I am naturally affectionate. I always felt caged within my energy. As if it was just too big and too much for people so I caged myself. When I allowed myself to be free. IT WAS OVER.

In closing…

 The willingness to be vulnerable is excruciating for some people. The trust that it takes to allow yourself the freedom to be vulnerable with another person’s energy. It’s really not easy. It’s Geology. It can be as hard as figuring out how to dive from the moon.