At the end of December 2020, I ~accidentally~ came out as bisexual via my first YouTube vlog.
Um…How can you ~accidentally~ come out if you ~purposefully~ made a video about it?
Great question.
Let me start from the beginning-ish…
I have been head-over-heels in love with my partner in life for the past 13 years–even after enduring six years of long-distance (neither of us recommend it)–and we’ve been married for three fantastic years. He just so happens to identify as a cisgender, straight man.
And I didn’t uncover my bisexuality until after we got married…in my late twenties. As you might imagine, this situation felt really complicated.
I love my husband SO MUCH.
We met in high school and started dating when I was 16-years-old, and he’s been *it* for me since then. (Like, I love him so much that it’s probably annoying to some people.) And we are insanely happy together and continuously do the work to keep our relationship healthy. So I didn’t really feel the need to explore my sexuality or even really consider it after I knew I had found my soulmate, even at that young age.
The truth isn’t always convenient.
But through a journey of self-discovery and self-love, made possible by pursuing a creative career and the support of wonderful creative mentors, I began to realize I’ve been attracted to both men and women my entire life (maybe other genders, but people weren’t really open about being gender fluid in Boise, Idaho when I was growing up there).
I’m a late bisexual bloomer.
Realizing I’m bisexual in my late twenties was terrifying. I suddenly felt like a teenager again: awkward, unsure, even gross. I worried about what this meant for me, for my marriage, for my place in the world. Imagine: I searched “bisexual and married” on Google, and the first article I found was about a woman whose husband couldn’t deal with her bisexuality, so they either had to get divorced or she just had to deal and shut up about it. *GULP* No thanks.
Prior to this tumultuous emergence of my bisexuality, I had spent my life *fitting in* and fulfilling heteronormative expectations. Even more, I have always been a bit of a people-pleaser (that’s a longer topic for another time). I had passed as straight–even to myself–for over 20 years, so WHY ON EARTH would I come out and risk feeling extremely uncomfortable, facing family members’ and friends’ rejection and judgment, and potentially even endangering the very relationship that has brought me the greatest joy in life?
Short answer: identity.
After hours upon hours of contemplation, journaling, long discussions with close friends and my husband, and some much-appreciated therapy, the answer to why this second puberty felt so necessary landed firmly in the truest parts of my heart. I knew then: I needed to recognize, embrace, and celebrate my bisexuality because this was part of my identity.
I had shunned this part of me.
More than that, bisexuality was a part of my identity I had ignored, and even shunned, for years. I remember being a kid and feeling infatuated with female celebrities and just explaining those feelings away with thoughts like, Oh, I must just want to BE her.
All I knew at the time was that I did NOT want to be a lesbian. I knew what that would mean for me in Boise, Idaho, and I had no interest in standing out. I was not that brave. So once I started to like boys, I was like: Phew. I’m straight. And I just shoved that other part of me that was attracted to females into a box that I locked somewhere deep inside. I didn’t open it again until about three years ago.
Jump to: December 2020.
At this point, I had done a lot of processing in regards to my sexuality on my own, with my absolute gem of a husband (he’s seriously the best person I know), and with the most understanding and wisest friends imaginable. The journey certainly wasn’t easy, but I am extremely lucky that people who accept and embrace me for who I am continue to surround me with open arms.
Privilege
I also enjoyed (and still experience) a great deal of privilege as a cisgender female in a relationship with a cisgender male in that I pass as straight, so I could come out to the people with whom I felt comfortable talking about my sexuality and continue to hide my sexuality from the people I was simply not ready to tell.
I had the privilege of taking my journey as slowly as I wanted, finding allies and individuals who had gone through the same realization and joining platforms like Married Bees (thanks to a friend) to talk with other women who are married to men and identify as bisexual.
I had the privilege of continuing to keep my bisexuality in a box, albeit a larger box than before. My identity was safe and cared for in that box. It was held within a community I knew would take care of it.
My family still didn’t know.
I hadn’t told my family yet because I didn’t want to deal with the judgment and questions I imagined might come with such an admission. After all, I’m married to a man I love so entirely and fiercely, so I didn’t want people to think I was cheating on him or that I was ungrateful, indecisive, seeking attention–or all the other stereotypes that come with being bisexual. Part of me also decided maybe this just wasn’t their business. It was all too…messy.
But, you know, life is messy.
About that YouTube video…
As a pre-New-Year’s resolution, I decided to start a YouTube channel as a creative outlet. I mean, acting as a professional can be sooo frustrating when you’re waiting around for other people to accept you. So I decided to accept myself and create my own content that I had sole control over and could post without relying on anyone else.
Moreover, I decided to make my first vlog a bit of a “coming out” video, discussing my experience with bisexuality as a married woman–especially a bit later in life. I had gained so much self-acceptance and validation from seeing other brave souls come out publicly, and I wanted to, in turn, help others who might also be struggling with an aspect of their identity feel less alone.
I was still hiding.
BUT. Here’s the really complicated part. This idea remained lodged in my head that I would keep my YouTube project separate from my friends and family.
I made my first video, a triumph in itself (I had a meltdown that night), and then I shared it discreetly with friends who already knew about my bisexuality. I figured I could create an organic following and find an audience of people who needed and wanted this material by sharing it privately and then finding new platforms on which to post it.
At the time, I didn’t quite realize this, but the idea of keeping my content away from my family and certain friends was really just another way of hiding. I had come out, but I hadn’t really come out. My family still didn’t know, and I still wasn’t sure I wanted them to know. At one point in the video, I even say that I suppose if my family were to see it, I would be coming out to them right then and there (through the video).
But I didn’t think that would really happen! Silly, silly me.
Here’s the ~accidental~ part.
Then I posted the video to Twitter. I mean, I did want some people to be able to find it, or else what was the point? I ignorantly assumed none of my family members were really on Twitter or would see it in the sea of other tweets–especially in this dumpster fire of a political climate.
Perhaps the Twitter algorithm would protect me, I assumed.
I was wrong.
Shortly after I posted the video to Twitter, my dad sent me a text, in a group message with my mom, saying they had watched the video, that I had done a good job, and that they were proud of me and loved me. Holy shit.
I was MORTIFIED. At the same time, I was kind of relieved that they knew, and they reacted with love and support. I wasn’t necessarily surprised; my parents have always been among the world’s greatest. Maybe I wanted them to see it all along. In hindsight, finding out through a YouTube video must have been pretty jarring for them, and I feel slightly guilty about that.
But honestly, there’s no easy way to impart that kind of information. And maybe it was the only way I could do it. I don’t know.
No more hiding.
Even writing this article, I feel a lump in the pit of my stomach. My heart is beating fast, and my palms are sweaty. One of the therapists I met with to help me process my bisexuality told me that in coming out, I would be forfeiting an element of the privilege I had always had as a perceived straight person. I understood what they meant then, but I really feel it now.
I’m still terrified that family members, family friends, old friends, etc. will be appalled by me now. That I will be disgusting in their eyes. That they will roll their eyes and dismiss me as just another Millennial trying to be progressive. Or, worse, that my husband will endure pain from those close to us finding out about my identity.
You’re not alone.
But here’s the thing. I didn’t make the video to just help people who would immediately accept me or this part of my identity. I made the video to help people feel less alone, to show people there are many ways to embrace sexuality, and to maybe further normalize the idea that sexuality is complicated and fluid and could change at any point in your life–even if you’re already in a committed relationship.
I am bisexual.
Maybe people will be shocked that I’m bisexual; maybe they won’t. But either way, I am bisexual. And that’s important to me. It’s the label I’m choosing to give myself right now, because that label feels radical and wonderful to someone who has been hiding a part of herself since she was a pre-teen.
To finally be my full, magical self feels so powerful.
I’ve finally chosen to accept the little girl in me I shunned all those years ago. Of course, I hope others accept her too. But if they don’t, I have to be okay with that. Because it’s more important that I accept myself, and I simply have to. No more hiding.
It matters. You matter.
I know that we can’t make positive change by staying comfortable. This is my small way of continuing to fight for change and continued acceptance. Not everyone is in a safe situation to come out, but I am. So I’m coming out. I’m bisexual *and* I’m in a monogamous marriage with my soulmate, who happens to identify as a cis, straight man. Both can exist at the same time. Both can be true.
I feel like throwing up right now. But I am so grateful to you for reading this. I hope, whoever you are, that you find a way to embrace and celebrate your full, magical self too. It matters. You matter. Okay? End rant.
Find me on YouTube!
If you’re interested, you can find my first video and others dedicated to embracing and celebrating your full, magical self on my YouTube Channel. I post a new video every Wednesday at 10 am eastern time.
Sending love and gratitude
– Jennica
